My Reflection: 12 months in 897 words

Written on Bismah Mirza

We are almost nearing the end of 2022, its 20th of the month and I thought to share my reflection, analysis of ‘Kya Khoya, Kya Paya’ (What lost and what gained) of this year. I had lost two very important people in my life starting from 2021. First I lost my mother and its impact carried forward to this year as well. Secondly, in this year my father in law passed away. Both were loving creations of Allah. They loved and cared unconditionally. My mother’s death news came as a shock and at that time it was difficult to digest and comprehend as around 4 months back my uncle passed away and a year earlier my grandmother. It took me 8 months to get out of grieving phase and in a moment’s realization, I realized that ‘Oh God it has been 8 months’ I was grieving for so long.  To the outer world it seemed, I have come to terms with the loss and is moving on but only the closed ones knew that the storm is yet not over. That moment of realization made me look at my house, the piles of clutter, and the clutter in relations especially with my husband. He in that phase gave me the space, time and care I needed. Many in such a situation would have said, ‘why you don’t die with dead’ but my husband understood the following, ‘true you don’t die with the dead, but something dies within you’. He realized it and gave me ample time to overcome my grief. It was after a year I was coming to terms, started picking up things and was facing the world with a new outlook, when this year my father in law passed away.  He passed away exactly on the same date when we got marriage knot. What a strange coincidence! Now it was my turn to switch roles with my husband but he grieved differently, he shouted out instructions, busied himself at work and anxiously tried to keep things under control but Allah had a different plan for us.  There was a wedding overseas which we thought to attend before the demise of my father in law and the chances were very slim that we would get the visa. But to Allah’s plan it came with 40 days of my fil’s death and not only this we got the visa for Umrah as well. We didn’t have much time to plan and travel but we did. As we flew, I could feel the sorrows being shed, worries diminishing and yet we were not at peace.  We were clicking pictures and saving the sceneries in our memories without feelings but with the thought it is something we should do. During the wedding, we came to a couple of realizations; that we have not brought certain essentials of Pakistani wedding for our brother and second how all the celebrations it has made us forget the bitterness as well.  It was not until we reached Riyadh, which I assure was not an easy journey, on every step of the way we faced hurdles, from boarding to luggage being lost and being recovered, till we reached Makkah our mind was not at ease. I don’t know what was Allah’s reasoning in this but I think these hurdles made us more focused and determined to perform Umrah.  Maybe it was his way of testing us or preparing us. It was in Makkah, I realized I was in trance and that to while performing my second Umrah. When I completed my second Umrah, I realized I was in a trance performing my first one. As if I was mechanically doing all the rituals. It was after the second Umrah I prayed and poured my heart out to Allah. I was asking myself, we have made it here but how come a person like me has come to Allah’s Home? Did I do something right? Or is it my prayers being accepted? Or Allah wants to show the miracles of this place? Or He wants us to be on the right side? May be He wants us to be peaceful?  It seems it was Allah’s Mercy? But since then I have felt peace. From being fearful, anxious, troubled, confused, I became fearless, calm, poised, courageous to make & accept mistakes, repent them and move on. Life after coming to Pakistan (which we all crave to return) was not easy but it was bearable. We had to shift immediately, and had to deal with family responsibilities and worries but all seemed manageable with the assurance that if Allah wills nothing is impossible.  May Allah make it easy for us and bless us with His blessings! Ameen So in a nutshell where I lost two important people in life, I gained two important saadats / opportunities / blessings

  1. I got the saadat or opportunity of doing Umrah, got a chance to visit Makkah & Madinah
  2. I started covering my head from February, of this year. Not perfect in it but still perfecting it. I prayed to Allah that day in February, why is it so difficult to do the right thing and immediately the thought of a shop came to my mind which I cross every day. It was in February, I bought my hijab and attended a wedding in it. Truly I never felt so peaceful & beautiful since then. I am still perfecting it.

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